Trigger Warning: please note that some may find for uncomfortable reading.
Firstly, I feel I must apologise for being a little M.I.A on social media last week.
Turns out group therapy took it out of me more than I first realised and I decided to take a step back and have some time out.
I tried not to look at my phone in the evenings and spent the weekend doing very little.
I’ve always said it’s important to listen to your body and this weekend was one of them.
I enjoyed several naps, watched Disney films and treated myself to naughty food. The irony.
I’ve been hmming and ahhing as to whether I should write this post.
Then I realised that one of the reasons I started this blog was to help end the stigma of mental health/illness and by not writing it, I wasn’t contributing to the cause.
So, here it goes.
A few years ago, during CBT, I would have to fill out a form at the start of every session.
I did this once a week for 6 months.
Every week, I would get asked out of 10, how likely are you to commit suicide.
I’d always circled zero.
I’m too scared of death.
Truth is, up until the form, it had never crossed my mind.
Two years later, I experience one of the worst panic attacks in the middle of Waitrose.
I look back and thankfully, I can laugh. Laugh that not knowing what soup to purchase sent me into a fit of tears and hyperventilating.
I’d never dare say this out loud but for a while, I wondered how much better I would be, the world would be, if I didn’t exist.
I thought about what would happen if I dived into the river.
Would I swim? Surely, that’s the most natural thing to do?
Would anyone jump in after me?
What would work say if I turned up at the office, wet, smelling of fish?
I told my boyfriend a few days ago that these thoughts crossed my mind and he called me “selfish”.
Selfish for not thinking of anyone else.
Selfish for leaving people behind.
Selfish full stop.
I won’t lie, I was quite taken back by his response.
I wanted to scream in his face but, decided on a different approach.
Surely, one of the reasons I feel depressed, anxious is because all I do is think of everyone else?
I put others before me.
I keep quiet on things that have happened so not to offend?
I realise I’m just putting question to paper but I don’t think anyone who’s unwell is “selfish”…I think they’re unwell and need to be spoken with (not to) and listened to (not heard).
Yesterday was Suicide Prevention Day and I hope that anyone struggling with their mental health can open up and talk to someone, anyone. Please see the below for ease: